Week 29 – Either You’re Perfect or You’ve Failed

“Pictures of perfection make me sick and wicked.” – Jane Austen through personal correspondence 

…This post was meant to be about allowing ourselves to fail, and how important that is – how there is reason in our failures – as much or more than in our successes. Thomas Edison “failed” creating the light bulb 10 000 times before finding success.

What this post has become… a glimpse into my day-to-day “failures”. As much as they irk me today, I realize now, they’re almost meaningless tomorrow… It’s just. real. life… 

We need to see more of the “real”. 

I do it to myself. Hold myself to this impossible standard. No one is perfect. We cannot be perfect. Or can we? No. Why do we think we can?

I feel the need to apologize for sweatpants, untidy hair and unwashed dishes in the sink… I’m perfect at apologizing.

I’m at the park and someone comes over to meet the babies. I feel the need to explain why there are remnants of strawberries all over their faces… I’m perfect at explaining.

I lay in bed at night tossing and turning, kicking myself for not cleaning the bathroom like I said I would. I realize I left a load of wash in the washing machine. I roll my eyes and tell myself I’ll wash it again tomorrow. Always tomorrow… I’m perfect at procrastinating.

I’m complimented on my  perfect family. Looked at with awe and respect – or maybe I’m mistaking those looks for pity/sympathy. They ask me how I do it. How do I accomplish so much?
Well my to-do lists tell me I’ve accomplished nothing. And that birthday party I forgot to RSVP to happened yesterday… I’m just hoping Zach forgets. I’m perfect at forgetting.

I love my kids. I love my husband. I love our family. I love my life. I think I’m doing “my best” – at least that’s what they deserve. Is my best good enough? I’d like to think so… But there is this tiny voice inside of me telling me that it’s not perfect. And because it’s not perfect, the voice tells me I am failing.

Thank goodness I have 16 other little voices inside of me talking all at once — makes it easier to ignore that 1.

Let’s stop striving for “perfect” and settle for “real” (I’m telling this to all 18 of the voices inside my head) or we will indeed drive ourselves “sick and wicked”.

We Made It.

A year ago today, I was laying in a hospital bed with my arms wrapped around my belly. The contractions were coming every 10 minutes and I knew today would be the day. I was unusually calm. I had seen enough moms roll through the Antepartum Unit, and I remember that feeling of panic that would overtake the room as their babies would come too soon. I had spoken to the neonatologists – the experts, who went through with me all that it would mean for my babies to be born at this time – all that they would need to survive. No expectations were given, only odds, as these babies all have a mind of their own. A lot of unknown. But, here I was, calm. As I hugged my belly, I leaned down and told them, “if you’re ready to meet me… I’m all in.” I knew my body was no longer the place for them. They needed more, something I couldn’t give.

Fast forward to today, and here we are, a family of 6. As I write this, my babies are tucked up in their beds, having their morning naps. Completely content and asleep, they are telling me they are happy, and have everything they need. There is nothing more comforting in this world. It has been a wild ride to say the least, but as I look back, I know how blessed we have been through the whole thing.

The missing pieces of our family’s puzzle have arrived, and they’ve let us know it.

Our Henry – born at 1:35pm on this day last year, weighing only 2 lbs. 15 oz.

Henry

Our Henry – now, weighing 15 lbs. 4 oz.

Henry

Henry is a firecracker. With piercing blue eyes and 4 adorable teeth, he’s a heart-melter. Although, the last thing he feels the need to be, is a heart-melter. Our busiest baby, Henry is much too busy to snuggle up and flirt – he’d much rather flash you a toothy-smile from across the room. He’s always on a mission, places to go people to climb. Our explorer, Hailey calls him, out to conquer the world. He has been meeting his milestones all ahead of schedule, and before his brother – something we weren’t sure would happen after his PVL diagnosis (see article here: Periventricular Leukomalacia). This is still something “on the table”, to see how or if it will affect him, and he will be followed closely until about age 3. But, there’s no arguing, he’s perfect.

Our Ethan – born at 1:45 pm on this day last year, weighing 3 lbs. 7 oz.

Ethan

Our Ethan – now, weighing 14 lbs. 12 oz.

Ethan

Ethan is our soft-hearted soul. Taken along for the ride after Henry’s water broke, we maintain that Ethan would have been much happier staying inside my belly for as long as he could. “The serious one”, Ethan has heart-wrenching hazel eyes, and the same 4 teeth as his brother (although, his smiles are still “gummier” than his brothers… gotta love them gummy smiles). He is mama’s boy – and I’m so thankful for that. Our resident “ham”, he will stare at you – waiting for eye contact, and then proceed to either play peekaboo or tilt his head to the side in an attempt to “look cute”… anything he can do to get you to smile. The bulk of his first year has been spent by my side, perfectly content to be within my line of sight, with a hand on my knee or an arms length away. It’s been just recently he’s started venturing out with his brother, the two of them becoming quite the pair – if Ethan’s not with me, he’s with Henry.

My boys

Today, I’m a mom of 1 year old twin boys… a mom of 4 beautiful children. Wow. How lucky am I?

Parenting is the strangest phenomenon. To feel THIS much love for something … it’s overwhelming… and to feel THIS much love for 4 somethings – it’s unreal. I have to pinch myself everyday. Being a mom has been the biggest challenge of my life. But I can’t think of a challenge more  rewarding than this. If I’m going to sacrifice anything in this life, let it be for them, my kids. Then I know it will be worth it.

I am so thankful to have been chosen to be the mother of these two amazing boys. They have taught me so much about strength, perseverance, sacrifice and love in SUCH a short year. I am anxious and excited to see what’s in store for them next, hopeful to be along for the ride for as long as I am able.

Here’s a song that I heard on the radio the other day, and basically burst into tears as I instantly pinned it to my love for my kids… It sums up everything that I feel about them. As a mama, we choose to put our kids first, whether we realize it or not, it’s actually a choice. A choice I would make any day of the week. I’m NOT perfect and my kids will know this. But I’m here, looking to learn from my mistakes. I know I’m unprepared for what the future holds, but I’m willing to take it as it comes in the best way that I can. When my children think of me when they’re all grown up with children of their own – whether I’m around or not – I want them to think of love. Above all else, I want to leave a “lifelong love letter” to my kids.. and not just the hug/kiss, tell them I love them kind of love… the hard kind – the doing what’s best for them as much as it hurts me kind of love.

Happy birthday my smart boys!

I love you more than you or I will EVER be able to understand!

Want to read our story from the beginning? Start here: pProm with Twins